Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Today is a New Day and Things are Different
I need to come up with a mantra- a list of things that are basic so when I fall and freak out I can come back to them- a creed of sorts.
Love myself
Pray
Log calories
Exercise
Pray
Love myself
begin again
I'm not sure this is it. I need to work on it, I think. Interestingly, while writing this post my mom called me and told me she is diabetic. That makes it official that I have two morbidly obese parents who have diabetes. I have to love myself enough to fight through this battle. I do not want to be where either of them are.
Dear Lord, give me strength to fight and be strong in this battle.
Love myself
Pray
Log calories
Exercise
Pray
Love myself
begin again
I'm not sure this is it. I need to work on it, I think. Interestingly, while writing this post my mom called me and told me she is diabetic. That makes it official that I have two morbidly obese parents who have diabetes. I have to love myself enough to fight through this battle. I do not want to be where either of them are.
Dear Lord, give me strength to fight and be strong in this battle.
Answered Prayers
| Thank You all so much. I have to say I am humbled and deeply blessed by all the love and support and prayers I have received here. I love you all so much. I tool this morning and rested. I dropped the kids at school and slept basically until about 12:30. Then I fed Stella and myself a healthy lunch. (Chicken noodle soup, clementine, pear & 2 small squares of Hershey's dark chocolate w/ cranberries & blueberries). Then I went back to bed. I have had vertigo for about 12 days now-and it is improving- but not gone. So I took that as a sign that I needed lots of rest and to not beat myself up. I have a bad habit of when I do not feel well I medicate with food. Then at 2pm, I got up and got dressed to exercise. I do not feel particularly energized, despite the sleep- but I was afraid too much sleep would not be good for me either. I had a nice chat with my husband on the phone- he was very supportive and loving and had just the right balance of take care of yourself and stick to the basics. I got on the treadmill and walked for 45 minutes- I did 3 miles. Is that what I would normally accomplish on the treadmill in 45 minutes- no, but I felt like I was carrying 500 extra pounds on me. Then I cleaned myself up. Changed clothes into nice clothes- not jeans and a tee or staying in my exercise clothes. I put on makeup and earrings. I ran a few errands. First one was to my doctor's to pick up my prescription. Then I dropped it at the pharmacy(same building). Then while they worked on my prescription I went to visit the Blessed Sacrament. I knelt and prayed and talked to Jesus and just let myself sit in the beauty of silence around me and was really able to appreciate my time a lone with him. I specifically prayed for all of you who in this thread or who messaged me on facebook or sent me texts etc. that you understand and are too currently struggling. I really prayed a lot of prayers of thanksgiving for how awesome and amazing you all are. I then sat down and wrote a list of things I felt needed to be done, that were wearing me down. I then wrote down all the known stresses that are wearing me down- sometimes knowing who all I am praying for really helps me. I thanked Jesus and picked up my prescription and then did about 3 errands and crossed them off my list. I stopped at Panera and got the free coffee and free treat on my panera card and bought nothing else. I thoroughly enjoyed every part of it. came home and started dinner. I love you all so much. I am sorry so many of you understand exactly where I am coming from. What a beast. I bet part of this is that I just went to confession last Sunday, so I am fairly clean and really suseptible to attack right now. Now dinner is almost ready. I will have a healthy serving and will not have dessert tonight because I already had the oatmeal cookie at Panera. I continue to pray for all of you. I wish I could properly put into words how much all of your prayers, thoughts, encouragements and sacrifices have helped me. I am truly humbled to tears. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And on to a new day. I did not magically wake up today at 139 or 140. No, today I was 146.6. I am going to have to embrace the victory in that- there is a victory in that. Today has been amazing. The only way to describe it is- peace. I am happy in my skin. I put on my size 4Petite jeans that I bought when I was 139 and they fit and they look darn good still. I have not fallen far. It is important to not let this set back be what makes me just give up and throw in the towel. Today, I choose to love me. To move on and to be strong. I WANT to be healthy. I WANT to be an example to my children of how to balance life- yet make yourself a priority. I am strong- and I am exceedingly blessed. I can do this. |
<p>Let's Keep the Momentum Going
Well, so far 2011 has been difficult for me to get back into my good habits. I was done with my races,a nd don't have any planned, so I wasn't trying so hard to run 3 miles without stopping anymore. My site that I was using to count calories changed its format and it really through me for a loop. I got strep throat and struggled to care about what I ate- I medicated with food. All of this led me to yesterday.
Yesterday I hit the bottom and the landing was hard. I was 147.4. I about cried. Ok, let's be honest- I cried. I had worked so hard. I had seen 139 as recently as January. I have been fighting a viral illness and medicating with food. Stuffing my face with candy, even when I am not hungry. What am I pushing away? On the 20th, I went to confession and even confessed gluttony. And then I did it all again, maybe even worse than before and I hated myself.
I was in such a deep dark pit. I posted this message to my dear friends, begging for their prayers:
Yesterday I hit the bottom and the landing was hard. I was 147.4. I about cried. Ok, let's be honest- I cried. I had worked so hard. I had seen 139 as recently as January. I have been fighting a viral illness and medicating with food. Stuffing my face with candy, even when I am not hungry. What am I pushing away? On the 20th, I went to confession and even confessed gluttony. And then I did it all again, maybe even worse than before and I hated myself.
I was in such a deep dark pit. I posted this message to my dear friends, begging for their prayers:
| I am really, really struggling right now. I know exactly how an addict feels. Please, please pray for me. I am losing it. I just can NOT stop eating or thinking about eating. Yesterday(not exaggerating) I ate like 3000 calories of food- that is twice my daily needs. I just could not stop. I saw a number on the scale I hadn't seen in 6 months, and yet it still didn't stop me from shoveling in yet more. Every minute I go from thing to thing and realize I am yet again thinking about going to have this thing or that thing. I have been great about exercise(thankfully) but that is mostly fear because for so long my eating has been completely out of control.(since Christmas break I haven't been able to regain discipline) I am one of those people who always quits things- never finishes. I need to make it to a healthy weight for my height. (5'1") I am nearly incapacitated by my desire to eat. I am drinking lots of water, yesterday I had two pots of green tea just so that my stomach would be full- but despite the full stomach I kept eating. For whatever reason I am not eating for hunger- there is a deeper hunger- something emotional I am sure that needs to be fed and food is not doing it. I swear it is like being possessed and , I'll be honest- it scares me. Please pray for me- that I can figure out what the heck is going on and that God give me the strength to win this battle. Please. please help me. |
2010- A New Beginning- and Back to Basics
Well, I finished 2009 on an up note and that is always a good thing! I was committed to keeping track of what I ate and starting to exercise again. Exercise still just wasn't something I had gotten back to yet on a regular basis- and my baby was 2 years old at this point- its time to get back to basics.
January 2010 I was 162.5- YAY!! back to being overweight. I never thought I would be so happy to say I was over weight. I had been, again, obese for so long. If you have never been overweight or struggled with your weight you just will not ever be able to understand the self loathing that happens when you don;t lose or even worse gain weight you had previously lost. You really, emotionally beat yourself up, at least I do.
The scale for me has become not just a machine that measures my weight, it also measures how good I am being. I have a tendency to over eat, to gorge myself. It is so sad. And sometimes when I binge I just sit and look at all the empty wrappers and wonder- why? why do I hurt myself? Why don't I love myself enough to not do this?
So I continue to watch portion sizes and work on exercise. As the months go by, I do the bounce around again :/ 161,160,160, 159 in February. Then in March more action 157!, 155,155, 156.5, 157, 153, 152 and then in April I broke the 150's and saw 149.5! I then bounced back into the low 150's until the end of June. Then I saw 148.5.
148.5 I had not seen that number in over 5 years and I had it back. I have done it I have gotten back to where I left off.
In July 2010 my husband took an assignment that has him out of town a lot. I decided to cancel our Y membership- which only he used and save that money and get a treadmill. I bought a treadmill at www.SmoothFitness.com I love it.
It was delivered on August 5 and I started using it right away. I started doing the Couch to 5K program found at www.coolrunning.com and started really using an online site to count calories. www.caloriecount.com
August 4, 2010- the new beginning. I was 151.5 pounds. I took my measurements the first time on August 9th and take them every Monday now. I followed the C25K program for running training. I suffered a lot with leg and buttock pain from my piriformis muscle. It really slowed my training. Finally, a friend talked me into buying new shoes from a running store. I did and was amazed at what a difference it made!
I ended 2010 at 139.6- a number I never thought I would see. Didn't even seem possible when I was 213( 206 on the old scale) pounds!
What else happened it 2010? I found out I wasn't actually 5'2", I am actually only 5'1" inches- that means normal weight for me is 132, instead of 136. I am finally so freaking close! I found out I can run,and not taste blood. I found I love running & exercising really hard so I am covered in sweat- I get an amazing endorphin rush and it keeps me going. And lets talk about amazing I completed not one- but TWO 5Ks- wow- this from the girl who couldn't even run a block, or even one time around a track. Never underestimate your ability to do more than you thought.
I started doing Pilates & Yoga on days when I didn't run. I also go back to strength training. I lost over 20 inches just from August 9- December 31, 2010! WOW!
Onto 2011....
January 2010 I was 162.5- YAY!! back to being overweight. I never thought I would be so happy to say I was over weight. I had been, again, obese for so long. If you have never been overweight or struggled with your weight you just will not ever be able to understand the self loathing that happens when you don;t lose or even worse gain weight you had previously lost. You really, emotionally beat yourself up, at least I do.
The scale for me has become not just a machine that measures my weight, it also measures how good I am being. I have a tendency to over eat, to gorge myself. It is so sad. And sometimes when I binge I just sit and look at all the empty wrappers and wonder- why? why do I hurt myself? Why don't I love myself enough to not do this?
So I continue to watch portion sizes and work on exercise. As the months go by, I do the bounce around again :/ 161,160,160, 159 in February. Then in March more action 157!, 155,155, 156.5, 157, 153, 152 and then in April I broke the 150's and saw 149.5! I then bounced back into the low 150's until the end of June. Then I saw 148.5.
148.5 I had not seen that number in over 5 years and I had it back. I have done it I have gotten back to where I left off.
In July 2010 my husband took an assignment that has him out of town a lot. I decided to cancel our Y membership- which only he used and save that money and get a treadmill. I bought a treadmill at www.SmoothFitness.com I love it.
It was delivered on August 5 and I started using it right away. I started doing the Couch to 5K program found at www.coolrunning.com and started really using an online site to count calories. www.caloriecount.com
August 4, 2010- the new beginning. I was 151.5 pounds. I took my measurements the first time on August 9th and take them every Monday now. I followed the C25K program for running training. I suffered a lot with leg and buttock pain from my piriformis muscle. It really slowed my training. Finally, a friend talked me into buying new shoes from a running store. I did and was amazed at what a difference it made!
I ended 2010 at 139.6- a number I never thought I would see. Didn't even seem possible when I was 213( 206 on the old scale) pounds!
What else happened it 2010? I found out I wasn't actually 5'2", I am actually only 5'1" inches- that means normal weight for me is 132, instead of 136. I am finally so freaking close! I found out I can run,and not taste blood. I found I love running & exercising really hard so I am covered in sweat- I get an amazing endorphin rush and it keeps me going. And lets talk about amazing I completed not one- but TWO 5Ks- wow- this from the girl who couldn't even run a block, or even one time around a track. Never underestimate your ability to do more than you thought.
I started doing Pilates & Yoga on days when I didn't run. I also go back to strength training. I lost over 20 inches just from August 9- December 31, 2010! WOW!
Onto 2011....
Getting Back To It- Finding Motivation to Work on the Journey
I have a very inspiring group of friends. A group of Catholic women who mostly only know each other online, but support each other regarding weight loss. One of these friends, Karen, lost almost 100 pounds JUST by counting calories and being careful to stay in her daily allotment. WOW! What an inspiration.
I started trying to try harder- I want to be a success at this. February 2009 I was still 171. Over the months my weight just bounced around up and down up and down up and down- 171, 173, 178, 180, 176, 173, 172, 171, 169 in September- once. Then in October, I hit 168, once; still doing the bounce around. Then in November, I hit 167- once. In December- my sister's annulment had come through and she & Mike were getting married on Dec. 26. I finally had some motivation- real motivation to lose weight!!
I started December at 167 and on her wedding day I was 160! I was overjoyed!! I still had not really gotten back into exercise, but I was counting calories for the first time in my life- and it was helping. The dress I bought for her wedding- a size 8- and I felt awesome. I was so happy with how far I had come. Even though in that year I ended at 163- and I started at 171- so I had only lost like 8 pounds- 8 pounds I had lost before, I still did it and it gave me the confidence that yes- i really can do this.
I started trying to try harder- I want to be a success at this. February 2009 I was still 171. Over the months my weight just bounced around up and down up and down up and down- 171, 173, 178, 180, 176, 173, 172, 171, 169 in September- once. Then in October, I hit 168, once; still doing the bounce around. Then in November, I hit 167- once. In December- my sister's annulment had come through and she & Mike were getting married on Dec. 26. I finally had some motivation- real motivation to lose weight!!
I started December at 167 and on her wedding day I was 160! I was overjoyed!! I still had not really gotten back into exercise, but I was counting calories for the first time in my life- and it was helping. The dress I bought for her wedding- a size 8- and I felt awesome. I was so happy with how far I had come. Even though in that year I ended at 163- and I started at 171- so I had only lost like 8 pounds- 8 pounds I had lost before, I still did it and it gave me the confidence that yes- i really can do this.
The Missing Months
A lot of data is gone and my memory will not help me in finding the lost time or what happned. How successfully had a followed a diet or how successfully had I STARTED AGAIN and then FAILED again, and began again, and failed again? I have no idea. Maybe I am grateful for the loss of the data?
My journey picks up in October 2008- My baby is almost a year old and I weigh 176.5( all weights from here on will always be reflecting the accurate weight on the new scale). I was wearing clothes that were a size 12/14 and was disappointed that I hadn't bounced back as fast as I had hoped. Life happened. Leave it in the past and move on to today. I ended 2008 at about 171. So right before I had Stella I was 190 and I ended the year at 171- that is 19 pounds, nothing to sneeze at, sister!
My journey picks up in October 2008- My baby is almost a year old and I weigh 176.5( all weights from here on will always be reflecting the accurate weight on the new scale). I was wearing clothes that were a size 12/14 and was disappointed that I hadn't bounced back as fast as I had hoped. Life happened. Leave it in the past and move on to today. I ended 2008 at about 171. So right before I had Stella I was 190 and I ended the year at 171- that is 19 pounds, nothing to sneeze at, sister!
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