I need to come up with a mantra- a list of things that are basic so when I fall and freak out I can come back to them- a creed of sorts.
Love myself
Pray
Log calories
Exercise
Pray
Love myself
begin again
I'm not sure this is it. I need to work on it, I think. Interestingly, while writing this post my mom called me and told me she is diabetic. That makes it official that I have two morbidly obese parents who have diabetes. I have to love myself enough to fight through this battle. I do not want to be where either of them are.
Dear Lord, give me strength to fight and be strong in this battle.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Answered Prayers
| Thank You all so much. I have to say I am humbled and deeply blessed by all the love and support and prayers I have received here. I love you all so much. I tool this morning and rested. I dropped the kids at school and slept basically until about 12:30. Then I fed Stella and myself a healthy lunch. (Chicken noodle soup, clementine, pear & 2 small squares of Hershey's dark chocolate w/ cranberries & blueberries). Then I went back to bed. I have had vertigo for about 12 days now-and it is improving- but not gone. So I took that as a sign that I needed lots of rest and to not beat myself up. I have a bad habit of when I do not feel well I medicate with food. Then at 2pm, I got up and got dressed to exercise. I do not feel particularly energized, despite the sleep- but I was afraid too much sleep would not be good for me either. I had a nice chat with my husband on the phone- he was very supportive and loving and had just the right balance of take care of yourself and stick to the basics. I got on the treadmill and walked for 45 minutes- I did 3 miles. Is that what I would normally accomplish on the treadmill in 45 minutes- no, but I felt like I was carrying 500 extra pounds on me. Then I cleaned myself up. Changed clothes into nice clothes- not jeans and a tee or staying in my exercise clothes. I put on makeup and earrings. I ran a few errands. First one was to my doctor's to pick up my prescription. Then I dropped it at the pharmacy(same building). Then while they worked on my prescription I went to visit the Blessed Sacrament. I knelt and prayed and talked to Jesus and just let myself sit in the beauty of silence around me and was really able to appreciate my time a lone with him. I specifically prayed for all of you who in this thread or who messaged me on facebook or sent me texts etc. that you understand and are too currently struggling. I really prayed a lot of prayers of thanksgiving for how awesome and amazing you all are. I then sat down and wrote a list of things I felt needed to be done, that were wearing me down. I then wrote down all the known stresses that are wearing me down- sometimes knowing who all I am praying for really helps me. I thanked Jesus and picked up my prescription and then did about 3 errands and crossed them off my list. I stopped at Panera and got the free coffee and free treat on my panera card and bought nothing else. I thoroughly enjoyed every part of it. came home and started dinner. I love you all so much. I am sorry so many of you understand exactly where I am coming from. What a beast. I bet part of this is that I just went to confession last Sunday, so I am fairly clean and really suseptible to attack right now. Now dinner is almost ready. I will have a healthy serving and will not have dessert tonight because I already had the oatmeal cookie at Panera. I continue to pray for all of you. I wish I could properly put into words how much all of your prayers, thoughts, encouragements and sacrifices have helped me. I am truly humbled to tears. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And on to a new day. I did not magically wake up today at 139 or 140. No, today I was 146.6. I am going to have to embrace the victory in that- there is a victory in that. Today has been amazing. The only way to describe it is- peace. I am happy in my skin. I put on my size 4Petite jeans that I bought when I was 139 and they fit and they look darn good still. I have not fallen far. It is important to not let this set back be what makes me just give up and throw in the towel. Today, I choose to love me. To move on and to be strong. I WANT to be healthy. I WANT to be an example to my children of how to balance life- yet make yourself a priority. I am strong- and I am exceedingly blessed. I can do this. |
<p>Let's Keep the Momentum Going
Well, so far 2011 has been difficult for me to get back into my good habits. I was done with my races,a nd don't have any planned, so I wasn't trying so hard to run 3 miles without stopping anymore. My site that I was using to count calories changed its format and it really through me for a loop. I got strep throat and struggled to care about what I ate- I medicated with food. All of this led me to yesterday.
Yesterday I hit the bottom and the landing was hard. I was 147.4. I about cried. Ok, let's be honest- I cried. I had worked so hard. I had seen 139 as recently as January. I have been fighting a viral illness and medicating with food. Stuffing my face with candy, even when I am not hungry. What am I pushing away? On the 20th, I went to confession and even confessed gluttony. And then I did it all again, maybe even worse than before and I hated myself.
I was in such a deep dark pit. I posted this message to my dear friends, begging for their prayers:
Yesterday I hit the bottom and the landing was hard. I was 147.4. I about cried. Ok, let's be honest- I cried. I had worked so hard. I had seen 139 as recently as January. I have been fighting a viral illness and medicating with food. Stuffing my face with candy, even when I am not hungry. What am I pushing away? On the 20th, I went to confession and even confessed gluttony. And then I did it all again, maybe even worse than before and I hated myself.
I was in such a deep dark pit. I posted this message to my dear friends, begging for their prayers:
| I am really, really struggling right now. I know exactly how an addict feels. Please, please pray for me. I am losing it. I just can NOT stop eating or thinking about eating. Yesterday(not exaggerating) I ate like 3000 calories of food- that is twice my daily needs. I just could not stop. I saw a number on the scale I hadn't seen in 6 months, and yet it still didn't stop me from shoveling in yet more. Every minute I go from thing to thing and realize I am yet again thinking about going to have this thing or that thing. I have been great about exercise(thankfully) but that is mostly fear because for so long my eating has been completely out of control.(since Christmas break I haven't been able to regain discipline) I am one of those people who always quits things- never finishes. I need to make it to a healthy weight for my height. (5'1") I am nearly incapacitated by my desire to eat. I am drinking lots of water, yesterday I had two pots of green tea just so that my stomach would be full- but despite the full stomach I kept eating. For whatever reason I am not eating for hunger- there is a deeper hunger- something emotional I am sure that needs to be fed and food is not doing it. I swear it is like being possessed and , I'll be honest- it scares me. Please pray for me- that I can figure out what the heck is going on and that God give me the strength to win this battle. Please. please help me. |
2010- A New Beginning- and Back to Basics
Well, I finished 2009 on an up note and that is always a good thing! I was committed to keeping track of what I ate and starting to exercise again. Exercise still just wasn't something I had gotten back to yet on a regular basis- and my baby was 2 years old at this point- its time to get back to basics.
January 2010 I was 162.5- YAY!! back to being overweight. I never thought I would be so happy to say I was over weight. I had been, again, obese for so long. If you have never been overweight or struggled with your weight you just will not ever be able to understand the self loathing that happens when you don;t lose or even worse gain weight you had previously lost. You really, emotionally beat yourself up, at least I do.
The scale for me has become not just a machine that measures my weight, it also measures how good I am being. I have a tendency to over eat, to gorge myself. It is so sad. And sometimes when I binge I just sit and look at all the empty wrappers and wonder- why? why do I hurt myself? Why don't I love myself enough to not do this?
So I continue to watch portion sizes and work on exercise. As the months go by, I do the bounce around again :/ 161,160,160, 159 in February. Then in March more action 157!, 155,155, 156.5, 157, 153, 152 and then in April I broke the 150's and saw 149.5! I then bounced back into the low 150's until the end of June. Then I saw 148.5.
148.5 I had not seen that number in over 5 years and I had it back. I have done it I have gotten back to where I left off.
In July 2010 my husband took an assignment that has him out of town a lot. I decided to cancel our Y membership- which only he used and save that money and get a treadmill. I bought a treadmill at www.SmoothFitness.com I love it.
It was delivered on August 5 and I started using it right away. I started doing the Couch to 5K program found at www.coolrunning.com and started really using an online site to count calories. www.caloriecount.com
August 4, 2010- the new beginning. I was 151.5 pounds. I took my measurements the first time on August 9th and take them every Monday now. I followed the C25K program for running training. I suffered a lot with leg and buttock pain from my piriformis muscle. It really slowed my training. Finally, a friend talked me into buying new shoes from a running store. I did and was amazed at what a difference it made!
I ended 2010 at 139.6- a number I never thought I would see. Didn't even seem possible when I was 213( 206 on the old scale) pounds!
What else happened it 2010? I found out I wasn't actually 5'2", I am actually only 5'1" inches- that means normal weight for me is 132, instead of 136. I am finally so freaking close! I found out I can run,and not taste blood. I found I love running & exercising really hard so I am covered in sweat- I get an amazing endorphin rush and it keeps me going. And lets talk about amazing I completed not one- but TWO 5Ks- wow- this from the girl who couldn't even run a block, or even one time around a track. Never underestimate your ability to do more than you thought.
I started doing Pilates & Yoga on days when I didn't run. I also go back to strength training. I lost over 20 inches just from August 9- December 31, 2010! WOW!
Onto 2011....
January 2010 I was 162.5- YAY!! back to being overweight. I never thought I would be so happy to say I was over weight. I had been, again, obese for so long. If you have never been overweight or struggled with your weight you just will not ever be able to understand the self loathing that happens when you don;t lose or even worse gain weight you had previously lost. You really, emotionally beat yourself up, at least I do.
The scale for me has become not just a machine that measures my weight, it also measures how good I am being. I have a tendency to over eat, to gorge myself. It is so sad. And sometimes when I binge I just sit and look at all the empty wrappers and wonder- why? why do I hurt myself? Why don't I love myself enough to not do this?
So I continue to watch portion sizes and work on exercise. As the months go by, I do the bounce around again :/ 161,160,160, 159 in February. Then in March more action 157!, 155,155, 156.5, 157, 153, 152 and then in April I broke the 150's and saw 149.5! I then bounced back into the low 150's until the end of June. Then I saw 148.5.
148.5 I had not seen that number in over 5 years and I had it back. I have done it I have gotten back to where I left off.
In July 2010 my husband took an assignment that has him out of town a lot. I decided to cancel our Y membership- which only he used and save that money and get a treadmill. I bought a treadmill at www.SmoothFitness.com I love it.
It was delivered on August 5 and I started using it right away. I started doing the Couch to 5K program found at www.coolrunning.com and started really using an online site to count calories. www.caloriecount.com
August 4, 2010- the new beginning. I was 151.5 pounds. I took my measurements the first time on August 9th and take them every Monday now. I followed the C25K program for running training. I suffered a lot with leg and buttock pain from my piriformis muscle. It really slowed my training. Finally, a friend talked me into buying new shoes from a running store. I did and was amazed at what a difference it made!
I ended 2010 at 139.6- a number I never thought I would see. Didn't even seem possible when I was 213( 206 on the old scale) pounds!
What else happened it 2010? I found out I wasn't actually 5'2", I am actually only 5'1" inches- that means normal weight for me is 132, instead of 136. I am finally so freaking close! I found out I can run,and not taste blood. I found I love running & exercising really hard so I am covered in sweat- I get an amazing endorphin rush and it keeps me going. And lets talk about amazing I completed not one- but TWO 5Ks- wow- this from the girl who couldn't even run a block, or even one time around a track. Never underestimate your ability to do more than you thought.
I started doing Pilates & Yoga on days when I didn't run. I also go back to strength training. I lost over 20 inches just from August 9- December 31, 2010! WOW!
Onto 2011....
Getting Back To It- Finding Motivation to Work on the Journey
I have a very inspiring group of friends. A group of Catholic women who mostly only know each other online, but support each other regarding weight loss. One of these friends, Karen, lost almost 100 pounds JUST by counting calories and being careful to stay in her daily allotment. WOW! What an inspiration.
I started trying to try harder- I want to be a success at this. February 2009 I was still 171. Over the months my weight just bounced around up and down up and down up and down- 171, 173, 178, 180, 176, 173, 172, 171, 169 in September- once. Then in October, I hit 168, once; still doing the bounce around. Then in November, I hit 167- once. In December- my sister's annulment had come through and she & Mike were getting married on Dec. 26. I finally had some motivation- real motivation to lose weight!!
I started December at 167 and on her wedding day I was 160! I was overjoyed!! I still had not really gotten back into exercise, but I was counting calories for the first time in my life- and it was helping. The dress I bought for her wedding- a size 8- and I felt awesome. I was so happy with how far I had come. Even though in that year I ended at 163- and I started at 171- so I had only lost like 8 pounds- 8 pounds I had lost before, I still did it and it gave me the confidence that yes- i really can do this.
I started trying to try harder- I want to be a success at this. February 2009 I was still 171. Over the months my weight just bounced around up and down up and down up and down- 171, 173, 178, 180, 176, 173, 172, 171, 169 in September- once. Then in October, I hit 168, once; still doing the bounce around. Then in November, I hit 167- once. In December- my sister's annulment had come through and she & Mike were getting married on Dec. 26. I finally had some motivation- real motivation to lose weight!!
I started December at 167 and on her wedding day I was 160! I was overjoyed!! I still had not really gotten back into exercise, but I was counting calories for the first time in my life- and it was helping. The dress I bought for her wedding- a size 8- and I felt awesome. I was so happy with how far I had come. Even though in that year I ended at 163- and I started at 171- so I had only lost like 8 pounds- 8 pounds I had lost before, I still did it and it gave me the confidence that yes- i really can do this.
The Missing Months
A lot of data is gone and my memory will not help me in finding the lost time or what happned. How successfully had a followed a diet or how successfully had I STARTED AGAIN and then FAILED again, and began again, and failed again? I have no idea. Maybe I am grateful for the loss of the data?
My journey picks up in October 2008- My baby is almost a year old and I weigh 176.5( all weights from here on will always be reflecting the accurate weight on the new scale). I was wearing clothes that were a size 12/14 and was disappointed that I hadn't bounced back as fast as I had hoped. Life happened. Leave it in the past and move on to today. I ended 2008 at about 171. So right before I had Stella I was 190 and I ended the year at 171- that is 19 pounds, nothing to sneeze at, sister!
My journey picks up in October 2008- My baby is almost a year old and I weigh 176.5( all weights from here on will always be reflecting the accurate weight on the new scale). I was wearing clothes that were a size 12/14 and was disappointed that I hadn't bounced back as fast as I had hoped. Life happened. Leave it in the past and move on to today. I ended 2008 at about 171. So right before I had Stella I was 190 and I ended the year at 171- that is 19 pounds, nothing to sneeze at, sister!
And How the Mighty Fall.....and a baby is worth it all.
Ouch. I start January 2007 at 160 pounds. Yes, we lost a year in there. I have no record of what happened. I know that in November 2006, Dan's dad died. I kept no records of measurements or weight. I had them one place online, but one day in disgust with myself I deleted the information. At one point in my 140's bounce around I had been as low as 140! I have never worked so hard as when his parents moved in. Keeping Dad from escaping in the middle of the night. I was preparing good, healthy meals. Homeschooling. I suffered. I let me suffer. Somehow, for some reason I was embarrassed to exercise when they were around, so I didn't.
In January 2007 we decided we would really like another baby. Greg was almost 4 and dad had passed, we felt we really could do this now. I got pregnant in January,and lost the baby. We got pregnant again in March, and again lost the baby. Maybe God really wasn't calling us to have another baby.
In May, we were blessed again. This time, the baby stuck!! In July 2007 I was 9 weeks pregnant and 166.5 or 160 on my old scale as my notes say. At this point I should add in that remember back when I said my doctor's scale was always 7 pounds heavier? Well, it was accurate. So back in the beginning, when I was 206- I was really 213. The old scale- its rusty, but I loved it so long. Here it is 2011 and I still have it under my sink- and yes, from time to time I do still pull it out and step on it just for grins and giggles.
So fairly early in Stella's pregnancy I had to stop exercising. After 5 previous C-sections, my uterus is very thin and exercise would cause contractions and could cause uterine rupture- which could result in me & the baby dying. I sat back and watched my weight balloon. 166, 174, 176,183, and I know I topped at 190 again, but I stopped keeping track, it was too hard to watch my hard work go away.
I tried to comfort myself I had done it before, I could do it again. And I would. And I am.
December 2007 Stella was born at 34 weeks(due to my super thin uterus) and that takes us to the next leg of the journey. Trying to lose weight while breastfeeding and caring for a colicky baby. My recovery was very, very slow. There were complications and I was on bed rest after she was born for 6 more weeks!
Then I had lost a lot of strength and muscle mass and just getting through everyday took all I could manage. I fell back into medicating myself with food and finding excuses not to exercise. My cute size 10 clothes were packed away and I wondered if I would ever wear them again?
I can do this and having Stella here, alive with us is worth it all.
In January 2007 we decided we would really like another baby. Greg was almost 4 and dad had passed, we felt we really could do this now. I got pregnant in January,and lost the baby. We got pregnant again in March, and again lost the baby. Maybe God really wasn't calling us to have another baby.
In May, we were blessed again. This time, the baby stuck!! In July 2007 I was 9 weeks pregnant and 166.5 or 160 on my old scale as my notes say. At this point I should add in that remember back when I said my doctor's scale was always 7 pounds heavier? Well, it was accurate. So back in the beginning, when I was 206- I was really 213. The old scale- its rusty, but I loved it so long. Here it is 2011 and I still have it under my sink- and yes, from time to time I do still pull it out and step on it just for grins and giggles.
So fairly early in Stella's pregnancy I had to stop exercising. After 5 previous C-sections, my uterus is very thin and exercise would cause contractions and could cause uterine rupture- which could result in me & the baby dying. I sat back and watched my weight balloon. 166, 174, 176,183, and I know I topped at 190 again, but I stopped keeping track, it was too hard to watch my hard work go away.
I tried to comfort myself I had done it before, I could do it again. And I would. And I am.
December 2007 Stella was born at 34 weeks(due to my super thin uterus) and that takes us to the next leg of the journey. Trying to lose weight while breastfeeding and caring for a colicky baby. My recovery was very, very slow. There were complications and I was on bed rest after she was born for 6 more weeks!
Then I had lost a lot of strength and muscle mass and just getting through everyday took all I could manage. I fell back into medicating myself with food and finding excuses not to exercise. My cute size 10 clothes were packed away and I wondered if I would ever wear them again?
I can do this and having Stella here, alive with us is worth it all.
And then Life Takes Over and You Lose Control....
Dan's parents were getting older and their health was declining. Dan's dad had Parkinson's disease and Alzheimer's disease. Dan's mom was losing her ability to walk, due to spinal stenosis. Earlier in our marriage we had been having babies about every two years. I say in 2005 I gave birth to two elderly people and it was my most difficult birth! (LOL)
I guess I should come clean here and admit this- I am lazy and a natural slob. Being neat just doesn't come naturally to me and in fact in some ways it makes me bristle. I have always been about comfort and doing the least I could to get by. In fact I am still lazy, my newest motto for myself is "I run because I am lazy". I had a habit of laying around most afternoons and watching soap operas. When I developed the discipline to exercise that became my time to watch my soaps. I would shush my kids and not allow them around me for the time that I was watching them. I obviously didn't want them to see what soap operas are like!
So before we took in Dan's parents life took over. I was taking them to doctor's appointments or doing their grocery shopping or other errands. My own household was kind of falling apart. Finally in April 2005, I said to mom & dad- so when are you going to go ahead and move in with us? That happened in November 2005.
I started 2005 at 146 pounds and then bounced around the 140's forever. Then back in to the low 150's, then the high 140's- I ended 2005 at 148- 2 pounds higher than in January, and basically the same as far as inches go- so holding steady despite all that was happening. Not too bad. Still a size 10 and happy with where I am still wanting to move onto being normal weight.
I guess I should come clean here and admit this- I am lazy and a natural slob. Being neat just doesn't come naturally to me and in fact in some ways it makes me bristle. I have always been about comfort and doing the least I could to get by. In fact I am still lazy, my newest motto for myself is "I run because I am lazy". I had a habit of laying around most afternoons and watching soap operas. When I developed the discipline to exercise that became my time to watch my soaps. I would shush my kids and not allow them around me for the time that I was watching them. I obviously didn't want them to see what soap operas are like!
So before we took in Dan's parents life took over. I was taking them to doctor's appointments or doing their grocery shopping or other errands. My own household was kind of falling apart. Finally in April 2005, I said to mom & dad- so when are you going to go ahead and move in with us? That happened in November 2005.
I started 2005 at 146 pounds and then bounced around the 140's forever. Then back in to the low 150's, then the high 140's- I ended 2005 at 148- 2 pounds higher than in January, and basically the same as far as inches go- so holding steady despite all that was happening. Not too bad. Still a size 10 and happy with where I am still wanting to move onto being normal weight.
From Obese to Overweight
Let's start this post by stating that until 2010, I thought I was 5'2". So all my calculations were based on that. My scale and my doctor's scale were different by 7 pounds- I always weighed 7 pounds more there than at home- same clothes on, not having eaten or had anything to drink, and still always weighed 7 pounds more in his office. Obviously, his scale was broken,LOL!
So, overweight cut off for a woman at 5'2" is 163. That is the same weight as my husband, Dan. The thought of weighing that little was mind blowing! I wasn't even sure if it was possible? For me?
January 2004 I hit 163 pounds- wow- I was just overweight- how freeing it felt to shed that awful word- obese. My next goal was fairly easy- to weigh less than Dan. I had succeeded at getting to less than 200lbs. And succeeded to lose weight even while pregnant. I had survived another baby with colic. I had even dropped from morbidly obese, to obese to finally overweight. Next was to weigh less than Dan, it took until March of 2004 to consistently weigh less than Dan. But it happened. My weight kept dropping, March 2004- 160. April 2004- 156 or so... and then I hit a plateau.
W all experience them from time to time. We get lax in following our plan. We get lax in our diet or exercise. Life takes over. I was happy. I was a solid size 10 and I looked good. I even had people tell me "Don't lose anymore- you will get to skinny- you look great right now". I, however, want that label to change- I no longer want to be over weight- I so desperately want to be normal weight. I just want to be normal.
As the months go by, I break out of the plateau. August of 2004 I was 149- I never thought I would see a number in the 140's!
My last measurement for 2004 is 146 pounds. In 2004 I lost 19 pounds and 21 more inches!
So, overweight cut off for a woman at 5'2" is 163. That is the same weight as my husband, Dan. The thought of weighing that little was mind blowing! I wasn't even sure if it was possible? For me?
January 2004 I hit 163 pounds- wow- I was just overweight- how freeing it felt to shed that awful word- obese. My next goal was fairly easy- to weigh less than Dan. I had succeeded at getting to less than 200lbs. And succeeded to lose weight even while pregnant. I had survived another baby with colic. I had even dropped from morbidly obese, to obese to finally overweight. Next was to weigh less than Dan, it took until March of 2004 to consistently weigh less than Dan. But it happened. My weight kept dropping, March 2004- 160. April 2004- 156 or so... and then I hit a plateau.
W all experience them from time to time. We get lax in following our plan. We get lax in our diet or exercise. Life takes over. I was happy. I was a solid size 10 and I looked good. I even had people tell me "Don't lose anymore- you will get to skinny- you look great right now". I, however, want that label to change- I no longer want to be over weight- I so desperately want to be normal weight. I just want to be normal.
As the months go by, I break out of the plateau. August of 2004 I was 149- I never thought I would see a number in the 140's!
My last measurement for 2004 is 146 pounds. In 2004 I lost 19 pounds and 21 more inches!
Staying on Track, while Pregnant.
Around the time I started doing aerobics I got pregnant again. I started aerobics and weighed 193. I was really nervous. I had worked so hard and made so much progress I hated to see it all go by the way side. I was determined to continue to follow the Zone diet and to exercise as much as was possible & safe. I steadily lost weight the entire first trimester. Some of that was nausea, but a lot of it was determined effort. I would either do the treadmill or aerobics every morning and then at lunch time either do the bike or treadmill for another 30 minutes- so most days I was exercising 2 X per day!
On December 30, 2002 I weighed 173 pounds and I was 12 weeks pregnant! I had lost 28 inches in the year 2002- AMAZING!! I felt so good, so happy.
I continued to exercise and eat a healthy diet. In my opinion, the Zone diet is a healthy diet for anyone. It is a balanced approach to eating and is totally safe, even when pregnant. In the second trimester I started to slowly gain weight. I tried really hard to not freak out about the number on the scale. Thankfully, I continued to take measurements and I could see I was gaining in my bust and tummy and still losing in my arms and legs.
Greg was born at 36 weeks 3 days and my top weight was 190- the weight I had begun all my other pregnancies! As much as I was scared to see such a high number again- in all truth, on paper, I had lost 3 pounds for that pregnancy- even while still pregnant! I started at 193 and my last pregnant weight was 190. At 8 days postpartum I was 184. At 15 days postpartum I was 175- I was feeling pretty encouraged at this point. Sadly, this is when Greg's colic started and I am afraid I went back to medicating myself with food. Also, having had a C-section, it wasn't like I could rely on exercise to give me a boost at this point.
By 6 weeks postpartum I was 177. I started to diligently walk on the treadmill. I desperately needed those endorphins to get me through my days and mostly the long nights of endless crying. By 9 weeks PP I was down to 174 and at 12 weeks PP, I was 171- 22 pounds less than I was when I got pregnant! I just kept at it and kept at it.
December 31, 2003 I weighed 164 pounds! WOW! I had come a long way. I had gone from wearing a size 22 in January 2001 to a size 10/12 in December 2003! I looked like a different person- and I was. I was happy. I wasn't even at a healthy weight yet- but I finally wasn't completely embarrassed by my appearance. I was no longer morbidly obese, just obese. :/
On December 30, 2002 I weighed 173 pounds and I was 12 weeks pregnant! I had lost 28 inches in the year 2002- AMAZING!! I felt so good, so happy.
I continued to exercise and eat a healthy diet. In my opinion, the Zone diet is a healthy diet for anyone. It is a balanced approach to eating and is totally safe, even when pregnant. In the second trimester I started to slowly gain weight. I tried really hard to not freak out about the number on the scale. Thankfully, I continued to take measurements and I could see I was gaining in my bust and tummy and still losing in my arms and legs.
Greg was born at 36 weeks 3 days and my top weight was 190- the weight I had begun all my other pregnancies! As much as I was scared to see such a high number again- in all truth, on paper, I had lost 3 pounds for that pregnancy- even while still pregnant! I started at 193 and my last pregnant weight was 190. At 8 days postpartum I was 184. At 15 days postpartum I was 175- I was feeling pretty encouraged at this point. Sadly, this is when Greg's colic started and I am afraid I went back to medicating myself with food. Also, having had a C-section, it wasn't like I could rely on exercise to give me a boost at this point.
By 6 weeks postpartum I was 177. I started to diligently walk on the treadmill. I desperately needed those endorphins to get me through my days and mostly the long nights of endless crying. By 9 weeks PP I was down to 174 and at 12 weeks PP, I was 171- 22 pounds less than I was when I got pregnant! I just kept at it and kept at it.
December 31, 2003 I weighed 164 pounds! WOW! I had come a long way. I had gone from wearing a size 22 in January 2001 to a size 10/12 in December 2003! I looked like a different person- and I was. I was happy. I wasn't even at a healthy weight yet- but I finally wasn't completely embarrassed by my appearance. I was no longer morbidly obese, just obese. :/
The Next Leg of the Journey- the Discovery
In the last days of 2001 I decided that on January 1st it was going to be a new beginning. I was going to start fresh. I was going to diet, I was going to exercise. I could do this, I had to do this. January 1, 2002 I weighed 206 (actually 213- I didn't realize that our scale was off by 7 pounds) pounds. Not pregnant. I was just horrified. I really believed I just could not lose weight.
I'm not sure what month it was, but early in the year Dan was reading an article in a Couple to Couple League Publication. The article was on Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. As he read the article he thought- "wow, this is Natalie!" With trepidation he approached me and recommended I read the article. I was quite good at punishing him for commenting on my weight or lack of exercise and the poor guy really had to walk on eggshells. I read the article and agreed- it was describing me.
We took our article and thoughts to our doctor. He was hesitant to treat me for PCOS because I had no problem conceiving. Most women who have PCOS are infertile. I tried to plead to him that my family needed me to be healthy and that it wasn't for vanity's sake that I wanted the medication, but for my health, my heart, my knees and joints. He agreed. I started staking Glucophage 500mg per day. I would gradually work up to 500mg 3X per day- so 1500mg daily, but it can be hard on the stomach, initially so we started slowly. One thing I noticed right away- my appetite decreased. I had more energy. I wasn't so tired all of the time.
I steadily started exercising more and more. I actually saw the scale get below 200! I never thought I would actually see the day when the number of my weight started with a 1 in the hundreds column! I was following a diet program called The Zone, by Barry Sears. Ladies with PCOS are encouraged to eat a diet high in protein, low in simple carbohydrates- mostly focus on whole grains and fruits and vegetables.
In April of 2002 I had a surgery for endometriosis. At that point they also saw lots of cysts on my ovaries. So while in there removing the endo they also did what is called ovarian drilling(not any more painful, just sounds awful). The pain I had been having continued to persist. I was fairly miserable. So we did another surgery in June 2002 and removed my left ovary- the one that had the ectopic so may years before. As I healed I became more active. I even got a treadmill and started walking on it.
By September 2002 I was down to 193 pounds. The glucophage and Zone diet as well as my modest exercise were really helping. I also started going to an aerobics class with my friend, Megan. I found out exercise CAN BE FUN!! And I proceeded to lose more weight :) I found out that interval training is the best way to lose weight from a book called Fit or Fat Woman. I also learned that modest strength training is not going to bulk you up, but rather build bone density, make you stronger, make you develop lean muscle and help you burn more calories, even when resting.
One thing I found as a truly helpful tool is prayer. When you have no hope that you can do it- ask for help. Lord, I need your help losing weight. I struggle so much with wanting to eat things that are not good for me or overeating things that are good for me. Please help me to nourish my body and treat it as a temple for you, which it is.
And when I am really struggling and can't possibly get that much out- just "please help me"
I'm not sure what month it was, but early in the year Dan was reading an article in a Couple to Couple League Publication. The article was on Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. As he read the article he thought- "wow, this is Natalie!" With trepidation he approached me and recommended I read the article. I was quite good at punishing him for commenting on my weight or lack of exercise and the poor guy really had to walk on eggshells. I read the article and agreed- it was describing me.
We took our article and thoughts to our doctor. He was hesitant to treat me for PCOS because I had no problem conceiving. Most women who have PCOS are infertile. I tried to plead to him that my family needed me to be healthy and that it wasn't for vanity's sake that I wanted the medication, but for my health, my heart, my knees and joints. He agreed. I started staking Glucophage 500mg per day. I would gradually work up to 500mg 3X per day- so 1500mg daily, but it can be hard on the stomach, initially so we started slowly. One thing I noticed right away- my appetite decreased. I had more energy. I wasn't so tired all of the time.
I steadily started exercising more and more. I actually saw the scale get below 200! I never thought I would actually see the day when the number of my weight started with a 1 in the hundreds column! I was following a diet program called The Zone, by Barry Sears. Ladies with PCOS are encouraged to eat a diet high in protein, low in simple carbohydrates- mostly focus on whole grains and fruits and vegetables.
In April of 2002 I had a surgery for endometriosis. At that point they also saw lots of cysts on my ovaries. So while in there removing the endo they also did what is called ovarian drilling(not any more painful, just sounds awful). The pain I had been having continued to persist. I was fairly miserable. So we did another surgery in June 2002 and removed my left ovary- the one that had the ectopic so may years before. As I healed I became more active. I even got a treadmill and started walking on it.
By September 2002 I was down to 193 pounds. The glucophage and Zone diet as well as my modest exercise were really helping. I also started going to an aerobics class with my friend, Megan. I found out exercise CAN BE FUN!! And I proceeded to lose more weight :) I found out that interval training is the best way to lose weight from a book called Fit or Fat Woman. I also learned that modest strength training is not going to bulk you up, but rather build bone density, make you stronger, make you develop lean muscle and help you burn more calories, even when resting.
One thing I found as a truly helpful tool is prayer. When you have no hope that you can do it- ask for help. Lord, I need your help losing weight. I struggle so much with wanting to eat things that are not good for me or overeating things that are good for me. Please help me to nourish my body and treat it as a temple for you, which it is.
And when I am really struggling and can't possibly get that much out- just "please help me"
How did I get here?
I was always what one would call heavy- or at least people said I was. I learned to believe those messages others said. I look back at pictures of myself as a baby & child and see I was not at all heavy or pudgy or fat - I was normal, average and healthy. How sad that I learned to believe them and became what they said.
I would say I actually began putting on weight when I hit puberty. A combination of my body changing and my philosophy in life. My philosophy was if it made you sweat or made you feel hot it was to be avoided. I hated exercise. I hated pain. I loved to eat and I loved to watch TV. I don't ever remember being taught about how to care for one's self.
I was young when I learned about dieting from watching commercials or watching the women in my life eat everything low fat or fat free and I wanted nothing to do with that. Dieting required discipline and diet food doesn't taste good. I was pretty good at all or nothing. So either I ate whatever I liked & wanted or I ate almost nothing at all. I remember once in 8th grade I decided I was going to lose weight. I allowed myself water, one glass of orange juice per day and one half peanut butter and jelly sandwich per day. I would do a lot of situps and that was the only exercise I was willing to do. I got to a size 5 in jeans. I was ecstatic. Then one day my mom made a family dinner and after about 5 bites I just could.not.eat.anymore. I was stuffed. I had been starving myself for so long that my stomach had shrunk and could barely hold any food anymore. She was very upfront with me that either I needed to start eating right or I would have to get hospitalized so I could learn how to eat again. That really scared me- so I started eating more and more- and the buffer of knowing how or when to stop was never learned.
Over the years I would try to keep my weight in check. I would be sort of careful about what I ate. When I was 19 I met my future husband, Dan. When I would talk about not eating something because it was fattening or something he would scoff at that idea- he said- "eh- eat what you want- just earn it with exercise". I wish at that point I would have said- I hate to exercise I would rather eat less. But I didn't- so I ate what I wanted ... and never exercised. I think when we met I was about a size 12, when we got married a couple years later I was a size 16. Dan has a natural affinity for exercise and a high metabolism as a result- his method works for him.
When I went to nursing school the girls in the dorm would encourage me to take the stairs (we only lived on the 3rd floor!), but I would almost always take the elevator. The girls would use a room in the dorm and do cardio videos together- I only went maybe twice. I hated to exercise. Even in high school I found ways to get out of gym class- I took gymnastics and weight training instead of physical fitness classes. I always struggled with exercise partly because I hated pain & sweat, but also because I have had asthma since I was a young child and it would hurt to run- I tasted blood. I know it sounds odd, but that's the only way to describe it.
We were married in April 1995, I was 179 pounds the day we married. I had lost a few pounds before the wedding. I had always had reproductive issues so we did not want to wait to have children. We conceived almost immediately, but that baby was lost due to an ectopic pregnancy.(May 1995) As a response to sadness, I medicated myself with food. When I got pregnant with my first daughter, Anne I was 190 pounds. I am only 5'1"- so that is about 60 pounds overweight at that point.
During Anne's pregnancy I barely gained any weight. I didn't know then that as a heavy girl I didn't need to gain much weight. I think at my top weight pregnant with her I hit 215. After Anne was born I decided to breastfeed. I had heard a lot about how breastfeeding was great and how it helped you lose weight. Um, not me. I was able to nurse my baby, I am grateful for that, but I do not lose weight while breastfeeding.
I wanted a large family, so when Anne was a year, we conceived, Beth. I was again about 190. Again, I did not gain very much weight while pregnant with her. How that is possible- I have no idea how that happened. I developed a very bad habit- a coke habit. Every night, after everyone would go to bed, I would stay up late and eat ice cream and drink soda. Beth was born and weighed 9lbs.3 oz. No surprise! She was a colicky baby and I never considered that possibly what I was eating/drinking(namely soda) could be contributing to her excessive fussiness. I continued to medicate my sorrows & frustrations with food. Dan had always been kind of nudging me to exercise. I fought back so hard for so long. However, in 1998 we bought me a recumbant bike. I would ride the bike and watch TV. I would say I did it on average maybe 2-3 times per week. Never very vigorous- I don't ever remember being drenched in sweat or desperately needing a shower after exercise on the bike.
A year later we conceived again. Beth had not been an easy baby, and I really didn't want another baby at this point. I was scared to relive that baby year over again. I finally embraced the idea by the time I was about 10 weeks pregnant. At 12 weeks I suffered a horrible, brutal miscarriage. We named that baby Mary. Our thought on her name was that we accepted God's will even though we didn't want to, didn't know what all would be involved with that. We decided to wait to conceive again. However we hadn't really paid good attention in our NFP classes on how to avoid pregnancy, so we conceived Gus :)
Gus' pregnancy went much like the older girls. I didn't gain much weight, and again I would start out at about 190/195 pounds. I would continue to very rarely use the bike and I ate pretty much whatever I wanted. When I was pregnant with him I did try to focus more on nutrition. I ate a lot of home made wheat bread and Smucker's natural peanut butter. Oh how I loved peanut butter. That year Reese also released a fabulous new candy- Reese sticks- ahhhhh!! It was like a Kit Kat- except they had peanut butter in the middle. Gus was a dream baby. He was born at 37 weeks and he was 7 lbs. 15oz. a nice, healthy size- not huge, like Beth.
When Gus was almost a year old I conceived Margaret. I again started my pregnancy at about 195 pounds and continued to focus on trying to make more healthy foods for my family. At about this time I switched from regular soda to diet soda. I used to laugh at the people who would order a Value Meal and then order a diet coke at the end- what was the point of that? Well, I saw the point- those hundreds of calories sure added up- in pounds!
All of my children had been C-sections. My recovery with Meg's was complicated because my incision had a clot and opened while I was still in the hospital. It was a blessing in disguise though, because Meg was in the NICU with some breathing issues. She was born at 36 weeks, 5 days, but her lungs just weren't ready. She was just a little peanut baby- 6lbs. 13 oz. She was born October 2001. I decided this IS IT. I have to get healthy. I have all of these children and this awesome husband to live for and this is NO WAY TO LIVE.
I would say I actually began putting on weight when I hit puberty. A combination of my body changing and my philosophy in life. My philosophy was if it made you sweat or made you feel hot it was to be avoided. I hated exercise. I hated pain. I loved to eat and I loved to watch TV. I don't ever remember being taught about how to care for one's self.
I was young when I learned about dieting from watching commercials or watching the women in my life eat everything low fat or fat free and I wanted nothing to do with that. Dieting required discipline and diet food doesn't taste good. I was pretty good at all or nothing. So either I ate whatever I liked & wanted or I ate almost nothing at all. I remember once in 8th grade I decided I was going to lose weight. I allowed myself water, one glass of orange juice per day and one half peanut butter and jelly sandwich per day. I would do a lot of situps and that was the only exercise I was willing to do. I got to a size 5 in jeans. I was ecstatic. Then one day my mom made a family dinner and after about 5 bites I just could.not.eat.anymore. I was stuffed. I had been starving myself for so long that my stomach had shrunk and could barely hold any food anymore. She was very upfront with me that either I needed to start eating right or I would have to get hospitalized so I could learn how to eat again. That really scared me- so I started eating more and more- and the buffer of knowing how or when to stop was never learned.
Over the years I would try to keep my weight in check. I would be sort of careful about what I ate. When I was 19 I met my future husband, Dan. When I would talk about not eating something because it was fattening or something he would scoff at that idea- he said- "eh- eat what you want- just earn it with exercise". I wish at that point I would have said- I hate to exercise I would rather eat less. But I didn't- so I ate what I wanted ... and never exercised. I think when we met I was about a size 12, when we got married a couple years later I was a size 16. Dan has a natural affinity for exercise and a high metabolism as a result- his method works for him.
When I went to nursing school the girls in the dorm would encourage me to take the stairs (we only lived on the 3rd floor!), but I would almost always take the elevator. The girls would use a room in the dorm and do cardio videos together- I only went maybe twice. I hated to exercise. Even in high school I found ways to get out of gym class- I took gymnastics and weight training instead of physical fitness classes. I always struggled with exercise partly because I hated pain & sweat, but also because I have had asthma since I was a young child and it would hurt to run- I tasted blood. I know it sounds odd, but that's the only way to describe it.
We were married in April 1995, I was 179 pounds the day we married. I had lost a few pounds before the wedding. I had always had reproductive issues so we did not want to wait to have children. We conceived almost immediately, but that baby was lost due to an ectopic pregnancy.(May 1995) As a response to sadness, I medicated myself with food. When I got pregnant with my first daughter, Anne I was 190 pounds. I am only 5'1"- so that is about 60 pounds overweight at that point.
During Anne's pregnancy I barely gained any weight. I didn't know then that as a heavy girl I didn't need to gain much weight. I think at my top weight pregnant with her I hit 215. After Anne was born I decided to breastfeed. I had heard a lot about how breastfeeding was great and how it helped you lose weight. Um, not me. I was able to nurse my baby, I am grateful for that, but I do not lose weight while breastfeeding.
I wanted a large family, so when Anne was a year, we conceived, Beth. I was again about 190. Again, I did not gain very much weight while pregnant with her. How that is possible- I have no idea how that happened. I developed a very bad habit- a coke habit. Every night, after everyone would go to bed, I would stay up late and eat ice cream and drink soda. Beth was born and weighed 9lbs.3 oz. No surprise! She was a colicky baby and I never considered that possibly what I was eating/drinking(namely soda) could be contributing to her excessive fussiness. I continued to medicate my sorrows & frustrations with food. Dan had always been kind of nudging me to exercise. I fought back so hard for so long. However, in 1998 we bought me a recumbant bike. I would ride the bike and watch TV. I would say I did it on average maybe 2-3 times per week. Never very vigorous- I don't ever remember being drenched in sweat or desperately needing a shower after exercise on the bike.
A year later we conceived again. Beth had not been an easy baby, and I really didn't want another baby at this point. I was scared to relive that baby year over again. I finally embraced the idea by the time I was about 10 weeks pregnant. At 12 weeks I suffered a horrible, brutal miscarriage. We named that baby Mary. Our thought on her name was that we accepted God's will even though we didn't want to, didn't know what all would be involved with that. We decided to wait to conceive again. However we hadn't really paid good attention in our NFP classes on how to avoid pregnancy, so we conceived Gus :)
Gus' pregnancy went much like the older girls. I didn't gain much weight, and again I would start out at about 190/195 pounds. I would continue to very rarely use the bike and I ate pretty much whatever I wanted. When I was pregnant with him I did try to focus more on nutrition. I ate a lot of home made wheat bread and Smucker's natural peanut butter. Oh how I loved peanut butter. That year Reese also released a fabulous new candy- Reese sticks- ahhhhh!! It was like a Kit Kat- except they had peanut butter in the middle. Gus was a dream baby. He was born at 37 weeks and he was 7 lbs. 15oz. a nice, healthy size- not huge, like Beth.
When Gus was almost a year old I conceived Margaret. I again started my pregnancy at about 195 pounds and continued to focus on trying to make more healthy foods for my family. At about this time I switched from regular soda to diet soda. I used to laugh at the people who would order a Value Meal and then order a diet coke at the end- what was the point of that? Well, I saw the point- those hundreds of calories sure added up- in pounds!
All of my children had been C-sections. My recovery with Meg's was complicated because my incision had a clot and opened while I was still in the hospital. It was a blessing in disguise though, because Meg was in the NICU with some breathing issues. She was born at 36 weeks, 5 days, but her lungs just weren't ready. She was just a little peanut baby- 6lbs. 13 oz. She was born October 2001. I decided this IS IT. I have to get healthy. I have all of these children and this awesome husband to live for and this is NO WAY TO LIVE.
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